Back To Work
I have to at least try the proposed quick return to work. Michelle, Lucy and Jack rely on me financially. I do not feel ready for this. Physically, I may look like anyone else but, mentally, I am not sure. It might all go wrong and maybe I cannot handle it. But I will never know if I don’t give it a go.
Going back to work is difficult. I have spent the last year immersed in survival and thoughts of work rarely entered my head. It has been a struggle to get to this point, and my brain is not exactly in ‘Work mode.’ The tiredness is a major factor affecting me, as is the intense concentration needed not to slur my speech. If I’m tired and not thinking about what I am saying, I come across as drunk. I get odd looks at work when this happens. But, I cannot go around explaining my medical history to everyone.
I have memory-related problems and forget things I would normally remember. Doing the simplest of tasks is difficult, so I write things down to help. I feel fortunate to be still earning, but I notice early signs of stress in my job make my nose pulsate like the bad old days when I had a tumour. I’m careful to try to reduce stress, which is easier said than done when I get jittery. I breathe slowly and calm down so I can think. There is always a way past a work problem. Whether it is a technical issue, resourcing or a boss with hang-up, there is always a way. But I am consumed with nervousness and doubt. Not sure if I can recover some belief in my abilities, the downbeat daily routine of life in that office is often hard to take.